001 今、考えている事
002 今のジェンダー
003 身体的な特徴
004 自分の映像的イメージ
005 今、周りを見回して気になる事
006 自分が支配するもの、自分が支配されるもの
007 友情・友人
008 苦痛な物
009 死
010 くつろぎの時
001 今、考えている事
実験結果あれでいいのかなぁ・・・
書き出しどうしようかなぁ・・・
002 今のジェンダー
男 肉体、精神共に。
003 身体的な特徴
変わってないかなぁ。身体的な特徴って。
基礎代謝自体は高くないことが分かったけど(太った)
痩せすぎてて、お尻が凹むぐらいとしておきましょう。
@20>1.肘関節が内側に異常に曲がる。合気道に向かない肘なので、現在肉体改造中
@20>2.体脂肪率が低い。食が細い、よく動く、基礎代謝が高いという太れない体質になっているため、見た目が細い。ただし、筋肉はそれなりにあるため見た目程軽くは無い。
004 自分の映像的イメージ
最近自分の映像を見ることがあった。
声は低く、話し方がむかつく感じだった。
あと、めがねの位置直しが凄い早い感じだった。
・・・治さないと。悪いところ。
うーん。一時期より大分見た目は若返ったような気がする。
精神的には老け込んでるけど。相変わらず。
なんか、自分の精神状態に、肉体的にも感覚的にも、生活力的にも近づいてきたかねぇ。
@20> 自分の想像するイメージと全く異なる。奇異な感じがする。おそらく他人から見る自分の映像も俺が想像しているものとは全く異なるんだと思う。純正日本人の顔をしている事が納得できない。精神年令と、映像的なギャップが大きい。白髪が全くないというのが信じられない。理想から程遠く残念な感じ。
005 今、周りを見回して気になる事
精神的に追い込まれているせいか、雑然としてる。
整理するという気力が湧いてこないからだろう。
珍しく文系な本がない。寂しすぎ。
懐かしいなぁ。仕事のスケッチか。なにやってたんだろ。
そうそう。この頃silicon graphicsのモニター買ったんだ。
忙しい仕事はけて直ぐぐらいだったかねぇ。
@20>仕事のラフスケッチでうめ尽くされている。書く事が嫌いなのになぜにこんなに書いてしまったんだろう。机が整然となっていないと仕事に集中できずいい仕事ができない。
@20>下らない本がおおい。もっと本は少ない方がいい。そしてどんどん捨てていく。常に本棚に並ぶものは少なく洗練され、常に回転し、知識を回転させる必要がある。
@20>昨日届いた、モニターの入った段ボールを捨てないと、料理ができない。
006 自分が支配するもの、自分が支配されるもの
なんか、昔これを書いているときの方が自由だったかもなぁ。
時間が過ぎれば過ぎるほど、不自由に為っていく気がする。
ただ、自分のこだわりからは、自由になっている気がする。
こだわりが広くなっただけなのかな?
自分が支配する物は、自分でコントロールできるもの全てかな。
自分が支配される物は、全てかな。あ、答えが変わってない。
@20> 他者どころか、どんな物でさえ支配できない。
@20> どんな物にさえも支配されている。時間、自然、自我に至っては体にすら支配されている。自分が動くという意志を完遂するだけでも、体と時間に支配される。
@20> 下から見られることが嫌だ。本当は代表職に就くような事は向いていない。だが、その苦痛よりも上から見られることの苦痛の方が大きいため、あえてそういった行動に出ていることが多い。
007 友情・友人
友達か。最近少ないなぁと感じる。
小学校の頃の友達は付き合い無いし、中学の頃の友達は3人。
その次の所も3人。大学は5人・・・すくないなぁ。
あ、でも、仕事関係は多いかもな。
友達が少ないのは自分のせいだね(笑
友達の定義は相変わらず分からないけど、
一緒にいて楽しい人、なんかあったら心配になる人は友達かな。
@20>友達の定義がわからない。(哲学の言葉遊びに為ってしまうため、議論は止める)
@20>一般的な、友人は少ない。友人と見られていても、孤独な感じがいつまでもしている。それは友人だけとは限らないが。
@20>昔、毎日のように会っていて遊んでいた人がいたが、今は連絡を取るどころか、居場所すら知らないという「知人」が多い。現在の様な空気の中孤独を感じさせない友人は少ない。知る限り、数人といった程度だ。連絡をしなくても心通じる友人は、数名存在するようだ。自分を押し殺すような人間関係を構築したことはない。(俺を知ってる人は見たままだろうが)
@20>父も母も友人が少ない。それが遺伝したとしか思えない。
008 苦痛な物
苦痛な物か。理解出来ない、理解されない事かな。
退屈とか、変化しないことは自分で何とか出来るけど、理解する、される、しないって自分ではどうにも出来ないことだから。
しかも、それが原因で嫌なことが起こる。
テレビとか最近苦痛かもなぁ。民放見れない。
嫌なことするのが、一番いやかもな。それは変わらない。
@20>退屈。停止。変化が無いことが苦痛。
@20>意志の無いproductの押しつけ
@20>意志のないノイズ。意図しない物。
@20>他者を苦しめる事。
009 死
忙しくて、死を考える余裕すら無かったな。ここ2年ぐらい。
死を意識して頑張ろうとは思ったけど。死とは何かだなんて考えてないなぁ。
輪廻は未だに信じているけど、「生」は死の準備であるとも考えるけど、その意識はしていないなぁ。
十分生きるという事は考えています。
最後の方は変わってないな。この頃から。
残すような死に方はしたくないです。
@20>死。そんなに怖い物だとは思ってない。まだ、死を迎えるには早いから、死にたいとは思っていない。
@20>輪廻を信じている私としては「生」は死の準備であると考えている。
@20>どう死ぬか?という問いは、どう生きたかという問いに還元できる。
@20>誰かを残すような形では死にたくない。
@20>自分が空気のような形になって死にたい。
@20>死への恐怖は「悲しませてしまう」という恐怖だ。
010 くつろぎの時
くつろいでないなぁ。
休んではいるけど、時間を自分のしたいように過ごすという事が出来ていない気がする。
本当は、好きな音楽の中本を読んだり、気持ちいい場所で読書したり、散歩したりしたいなぁ。
今の場所から離れるのはそこが痛い。
@20>横になりながら、音楽を聴く時。そのまま入眠する時がくつろいでいる時なんだと思う。
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